Streamlining

*From Wednesday*

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I’m sitting at work watching Oprah and they’re discussing how The Laws of Attraction has affected people’s lives. How appropriate. I tend to talk more about what I’m not doing then what I am doing and what I want to do. And I have no problem remembering the exact details of how something went wrong, yet I can’t remember things I said I would do or should do to help me get ahead. I’ve realized the positive is not in the front of my mind, but the negative lives there. It’s definitely time to reverse that.

A re-occurring thought, theme, and process in my brain is streamlining. I’m extremely indecisive and interested in many things, which has made it difficult to settle on a career goal. What I’ve learned in the past few years is that I don’t have to settle on one, especially right now, but I would like to streamline in that area. My goal is to work on and try out a few different things to make it easier to figure out what I’m good at and what may not actually be for me. For the longest time, I wanted to be a writer. I then realized that writing was want I wanted to do because it was something my mother thought I was good at. I did excel in English and always loved to read but was never sure about deadlines; I’m one hell of a procrastinator.

My career goals are not the only things I would like to streamline, my waistline that definitely needs to be streamlined. Lol. My best friend and I discussed whether or not a person really wants something if they don’t do what it takes to get it. A cut and dry person would say “No, if they’re not willing to do what it takes, they don’t really want it”. I believe that this can be true, but that couldn’t possibly always be the case. Will power and motivation are not always easy to come by. I know first hand. But sometimes motivation can slap you upside your head via the words of a 2 almost 3 year old. The other morning when I was driving my son to school he began to squirm in his car seat and said “…..too fat!” I missed the first part of his sentence, but in my mind, I already thought I knew how the conversation would go:

Ahmir: “…too fat!”

Mommy: “Who’s too fat, Mir?”

Ahmir: “Me.”

Mommy: “You’re not fat at all, Ahmir.”

Instead, the conversation went like this:

Ahmir: “…too fat!”

Mommy: “Who’s too fat, Mir?”

Ahmir: “You.”

I sat dumfounded for a minute, and took 3 seconds to look back and forth between him and the road I should have been paying attention to, So completely shocked and caught off guard, I ask again, “Who’s too fat?”, and he responds again, matter of factly, “You.” For what seemed like minutes, my brain processed what the little boy I gave birth to said to me. I was speechless (a rare occurrence). So I ate it, so to speak. I know kids can be cruel/blunt/honest to a fault. I asked him if that was something he heard in school, because I’ve been very careful with that word in particular, and kind of waiting for the day he would come to realization. He said he hadn’t heard it in school, which confused me even more, so I just told him its not a nice thing to say to anyone and I don’t want to hear him say it again. His father told him to apologize and tell me he didn’t mean it, but the damage was done. I don’t want to be a fat mommy. I would hate for someone to say to him, “Your mommy is fat!” and it becomes something he is teased about. Teasing is not something that will be tolerated whether my child is on the giving or receiving end. I’m not having it! And while I’m not trying to become a size 2 (or even 4 for that matter. An 8 would be nice, 6 might be pushing it lol) for the sake of what some little people who haven’t even experienced the world may think of me, I would like to streamline for myself and still allow my son to see what a “real” woman looks like (love handles, cellulite, stretch marks, whatever the case may be). I am his first model of a woman; I take that role very seriously.

So while I’m streamlining and not allowing my brain to wander too much, I will make it my business to focus on this. Bulge is a battle I’ve been fighting my whole life, and trust! I don’t want to. But everyday I wake up is another day I have an opportunity to better myself.