Hey Mama

Life comes at you fast. 2 Novembers ago , my mother was on her way to Europe. She continually asked me to be sure to check on my grandmother who had been ill. I assured her I would. When I went to check on my grandmother that night, long story short, she sent me home she told me she was fine (I should've known better). The next day I got a call, a family friend was taking her to the emergency room. I had to put my big girl shoes on. Not the ones with the velcro, but the ones I tie all by myself and with my cousin (my mother was out of the country, her mother [my aunt] lives out of the state) make decisions about my grandmother's health. Not an easy task, trust! There was no time for tears. We had to take care of business. It was the most pressure and pain I've ever felt in my life, and I've given birth. They sedated my grandmother and gave her a blood tranfusion...the last thing she did was wink at me. She was in the hospital a few days, and then I received a call 5 in the morning that she was gone.

Last week, my mother had been sick for a few days with the flu. She was really weak, not eating, or leaving the house. She didn't want me around much because she didn't want to get the baby sick, but I still went to check on her and bring her stuff. Wednesday, I'm running around with Ahmir to get stuff for his birthday/party the next day, and took him to get a haircut. His barber is on the corner of my mother block so we headed down the street to check on her. Her car was in the driveway, but she wasn't home. She'd been weak, so I knew she hadn't gone out , so I was immediately scared, and rightfully so. When I called her cell phone, i heard lots of fumbling and "It's her daughter" "Here take it" "No I can't talk" then someone finally got on the phone and said "Hi..hello..its blah blah, your mother is in the hospital." My heart sunk! All I asked was which one and told her I was on my way.
My mom had collapsed in the house and was unable to move. The doctors believe she lost consciousness, and when she didn't show up wherever she was trying to go, her friend came looking for her and found the front door to her house open and subsequently my mother. She was brought to the hospital in an ambulance.My mom was really sick. Like really really sick. At first the doctors didn't know what was wrong with her. Some were thinking mini-stroke, possibly a heart attack. Turns out she had pneumonia caused from something she got in the Bahamas and her liver and kidneys weren't functioning. Laying in that hospital bed, she looked just like my grandmother which scared the hell out of me. My grandmother's last few days in the hospital were not good, and her kidneys also shut down. My mom was disoriented, and anyone who knows her, knows that woman is tip top and about her shit. So to hear her talk and know that her brain wasn't really working with her or effectively was beyond disturbing. And here I am having to be the big girl again because its just me and my mom in NY. The past week has been extremely difficult for me, I've felt an era's worth of emotions all at one time. I wanted to crawl in my shell and hide and I couldn't. I wanted my son to have a birthday weekend full of fun, we had to settle for a party at school in between hospital runs. I've wanted to cry, but had to wait, and I've wanted to scream and curse, but had to remain polite and articulate. I wanted to just be the kid, I was still the kid, but I was now caregiver too.

By Sunday, my mom was much better, and she came home last night, but Kanye's grammy performance beyond MOVED me, it hit super close to home. To my knowledge, I've never come close to losing my mother. And I got damn close about a week ago. It's not something I ever expect to be prepared for, but this was sudden! What I was grateful for was that if the Lord did decide to call my mother home, our relationship is in a good place. It hasn't always been. So I'm glad that in the past few years I've been able to really see my mother's love for me, and her see mine for her. Hey Mama.