Art & Soul. The Sassy Mind.

Im back!! and got some news

2009-03-30T16:39:00.002-04:00

So your girl Sass has been doing a lot of thinking (and talking) about the opposite sex, the dating scene, and just males and females and how they relate to eachother in general. And with a push from my girl CJ, I will embark on a 90 day journey inside the world of online dating. lol Just as an experiment, and we'll see what comes of it. I signed up at www.plentyoffish.com this past Saturday, and already I'm learning more about MYSELF. What I like, what I don't like, what I want, what I don't want, and I've also realized I'm shy. Sassy and shy, go figure!
If you know me, you know that this is soo not me but I'm looking to push myself this year in many different ways, this is just one. It's time for me to get out of this shell and be way more fearless. What do I have to lose? And I'm fly! Any man or person in general is/would be lucky to be around me, and I'm looking for those I feel the same way about. Wish me luck!

just me

2008-12-12T16:17:00.004-05:00

sometimes i speak to myself. there's a system of checks and balances i impose upon myself to be sure i am moving, thinking and speaking in a sane manner. sound a lil crazy? sorry about that (not really). sometimes when i cant speak to me, i write to me. lol and im not even a gemini, but they are 2 distinct people, and when a situation is complex, more i's and me's come into play.
so while being snappy, and neglectful, and wallowing in a bit of sorrow and sadness i had to check myself

The truth is nobody thinks anybody else gets them
what does that tell you?
everybody's going thru shit
you're not as special or individualized as you would have yourself believe. people have it better, people have it the same, people have it way worse.
get over yourself.
people get so hung up on their own lives
they cant see past it
the rest of the world continues to turn every day
you can join grow and learn, or stay trapped in yourself
the choice is yours and mine
im not exempt. just learning.

2008-12-08T15:41:00.001-05:00

sassythings will not launch officially until 09, but there were some things i wanted to share. check it out!

Girl's night out

2008-12-08T13:20:00.008-05:00

i'm on the phone prepping for my mini evening out (i was only going to the event from 7:30 - 9:30). Telling Lola if I was going to find a man to entertain me I was gonna have to step out cause that fool is not gonna just ring my doorbell. So i beat the face, push the girls up, throw on some boots, and pack the kid for auntie's.
Get to harlem, not a damn parking space in sight. t.elle on bbm like i'm excited, get here. Walk 2 1/2 blocks in the blistering cold on a dirty ass harlem street, wind blowing all kinds of crack debris on my freshly beaten face. Get in the spot...the vibe squeezes me. hmm something aint right lol. hmm only 1 penis in the whole place, then he leaves. ok.
make eye contact with t.elle. She's happy to see me. Grab a seat outside of the crowd cause it looks intimate and I'm anti-social like that, I'm here to see her (t.elle that is). Crazy old lady is making crazy eye contact (which she does again later while dancing to her requested song, Tpain's Chopped and Screwed), I think she's going to say something so I give her my attention, she just continues to look at me and thats when it hits me!! ohhhhh it is truly LADIES night. ok. Shoulda sat at home and waited for my doorbell to ring. *le sigh*

most coveted

2008-11-24T16:04:00.002-05:00

*

2008-11-07T12:03:00.005-05:00

One of my biggest philosophies in life is lead by example. And That One is one hell of an example. Barack is human, this country is in disarray; change will not happen or come over night, but it is a huge relief and then some to have a genuine person with some damn common sense leading our country. This campaign transcended our borders literally and figuratively, and I'm so excited and grateful for this nation, our world, my people, and most importantly (to me) my son to be able to follow this example. Possibilities are infinite.

P.S. We need to keep this man in our prayers.

There's a boy.

2008-10-30T11:18:00.001-04:00

Very aloof. What other way is there to be? Never to pressed or impressed, but appreciative of beauty or his idea of it. He acts interested but just doesn't have the mental energy or stimuli to go through with pursuit.
There's a girl, real chill until the prospect of love arises. What other way is there to be? Very picky about who gets her time, her mind, and her behind (so to speak). But when she finds one, she wants it to work. Badly.
Boy sees Girl day 1: Boy offers brief pleasantries to Girl (she reciprocates) but is content to let her walk away. Boy sees Girl day 2: Boy offers brief pleasantries once again. Girl's interest is piqued because she has noticed Boy before and it seems she is now getting her time in the spotlight. That suits her well. Boy is still content to let Girl walk away but Girl figures this is what it will just be. Nothing wrong with being pleasant. Boy sees Girl day 3: boy offers brief pleasantries. Boy sees Girl day 3 part 2: Boy introduces himself and exchanges more than pleasantries but contact info with Girl. Jackpot! Girl thinks. Girl is wrong.

sass did some dumb shit...

2008-10-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

and it's come back to bite her in the ass. I deserve it, but I'm still sad about it. And part of me didn't see what other options I had. How long am I supposed to wait anyway?!?! I know y'all don't know what I'm talking about, and trust, that's whats best. It's all good anyway. Just another day in the life...

i like this video way better than beyonce's! lmao

2008-10-22T10:23:00.001-04:00

spotted this on Love B. Scott

i ain't never scared...

2008-10-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

i'll have one of each...please and thank you!

2008-10-13T18:49:00.003-04:00

what the stars say...

2008-10-09T09:51:00.003-04:00

so i haven't heard from him in a few days but i didn't mind that too much because mercury is in retrograde til the 15th [click and read up on it]. But i call this morning/get his voicemail, just to check and see if he's breathing. then suezette sends me my love scope...

Watch your spending this weekend as you can overrate the value of a glittery object or fascinating experience. The same thing goes for people as you may be willing to give a whole lot more than you get. Love should come to you as an equal partner, not as the person who has to make all the sacrifices.

that shit made me sad. i stopped trying to control how i felt a long time ago because it only frustrates me more. trying to fight against a natural current is useless and futile. but what I decided to do was remain aware and smart, and know that with love comes hurt, and there will come a point when you don't want to be hurt anymore regardless of how much you love. I'm waiting for that time. maybe i need a different approach...who knows

my horoscope also says this...

[y]ou can usually gracefully sidestep complex issues when they push your feelings into emotionally intense places, yet today you may be more eager to experience the edge. Acknowledging your own rebellious streak can go a long way toward feeling comfortable as you push the envelope. Remember, it's not about being safe now; it's about taking a risk in order to have a memorable experience.

know this about my sassy ass..i am a cancer. I'm very happy here in my shell sheltered from the worlds foolishness...i don't want to experience no damn edge, and i don't do well when my feelings are pushed into emotionally intense places, but i could use a memorable experience lol

See Brit, kids do still ride their bikes...tricycles :)

2008-10-08T14:32:00.005-04:00

ignore the dates..these were taken this summer
and simply because i adore my 3 year old...

2008-10-08T14:03:00.000-04:00

sass is talking ish on the bg guide...check me out!

so....the universe has been after my phone

2008-10-03T10:16:00.002-04:00

for a few weeks now. I've had many close encounters with leaving my phone some place, or thinking I left it some place but it was in my bag all along, and leaving at a friends desk at work and going home for the day. Needless to say I knew the phone was on its way out some way or another (you would think i would back the info up some place or write the numbers down. But i guess that made too much sense). Just didn't expect the universe to snatch it the way it did. As i took a light jog for the train, the train I hate to take, the 1 train. The damn thing slid out of my pocket and right between the train and the platform, onto the tracks. My heart damn near jumped out after it simply because I couldn't believe it. I thought I was having a heart attack, a conniption or something. My body was frizzing out. I didn't realize that phone was everything to me. If I'm not at work, its the only way to reach me. I only know about 4 people's numbers by heart, all of them, for some reason or another right now are useless to me. Lola is 7 months pregnant and in Jersey, Tola is in Florida right now, Babydaddy (i wasn't even sure i knew his number by heart) is well...babydaddy, and the other one is not even worth mentioning. I don't even know my mother's numbers by heart! Devestated. Devastated is what I am.

nuff said...

2008-09-30T13:40:00.001-04:00

say what you want!

2008-09-25T14:27:00.002-04:00

so inspired today..usually that means rebel like...

...Going on in my brain

2008-09-24T10:27:00.002-04:00

So I think I'm cool with being single. A while ago I thought of what I would consider my perfect day, and when my little daydream ended I realized there was no man in my life. So then I tried to go back and see where one might fit , and there wasn't any space. This couldn't possibly be true could it? But I realized what I really want most is a very large comfortable bed in a very cozy comfortable home, with a smart polite and well adjusted child, a fulfilling job and time for myself.
Knowing me though, I know I need the D more than every now and then and I think it would be nice to have companionship on the days I don't want to be alone: a dinner date here and there, good phone convo, gifts (all girls want gifts from guys and the only ones that say gifts don't matter are the ones that get them all the time and the ones that don't at all). And as much as I want loyalty and a man that doesn't feel the need to stick his penis in every and any orifice he can find, I want a man who has his own shit to do. And while he adores me, he's not hung up on me but is also not elusive and evasive. Why must I be so complicated? I'll probably contradict all of this in an upcoming post.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Cut through the bushes

2008-09-22T12:15:00.002-04:00

Katherine McPhee Everywhere I Go

I cant go down this road again. It's winding, one side with a sign that says Dead End, the other a cul-de-sac. I'll have to cut thru the rose bushes and know the thorns can only do but so much damage and I will heal. I always do. Don't know why I think I won't. All champions have lost at some point. It's what makes the victory sweet. I'm a sore loser but I'll get over it.
So yeah...that's what I'l do.

2008-09-18T10:24:00.000-04:00

Sass is over at the BG Guide again...check me out here!

beauty randominity

2008-09-16T16:41:00.007-04:00

sass is considering weekend jobs because lets face it...the 9-5 check just isn't enough. so i hopped on over to sephora (which i've been avoiding like homeless people on the train platform) to get an application. not sure if i'll apply, but i need to look at it and see if i'm so inclined to do so.. anyway the first display when you enter is the Harajuku Lovers perfume..the figurines are soo cute that i would love to get one just to have the bottle on my dresser (to keep my Fafinette company)..these 2 are my favorite my favorite

so anyway i picked up one of those sample tester sticks that was laying around on the display and smelled it (rather than spraying more into the air) and the scent i found on the strip was none of the harajuku perfumes. i ended up having to ask one of the sales people which perfume it was. You know sephora has a ton of fragrances so at first they looked at me like I was crazy but one of the ladies was able to direct me to the bottle of deliciousness that is Escada Moon Sparkle.
Upon first sniff, it is very sweet but then it simmers down to a nice musk (sandalwood) with fruity notes. They say its a summertime fragrance that can be worn any time of year and also describe the specifics of the fragrance here. I need it! So, it will go on the list with Miss Dior Cherie and some other ish I wanted. Also I'm all out of Coco Chanel Mademoiselle. Maybe I do need this job at Sephora to support my beauty products habit.

I also looked at some Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer but I didn't try any out on my face because i already tried some Makeup Forever HD Invisible Cover Foundation in #178 I believe. Love it!! It blended so beautifully and evenly AND easily and I didn't need much.*sigh* I'll be making the $40 investment sooner or later.

I need some money!

i was right

2008-09-16T13:32:00.003-04:00

the bag is DVF, and it can be found here!

I met a guy

2008-09-11T14:04:00.013-04:00

a few weeks ago. I was walking to the train station and he was crossing the street diagonally towards me. I glanced at him only because he was coming my way, but kept it moving. He was giving me the eyeball the whole time he was crossing the street but I wasn't feeling my hottest and generally don't make it a habit to talk to people in the street so i didn't return his gaze. I slow my pace so that he is now walking in front of me. And as I'm walking behind him I admire his "b boy" swag. Baggy but not too baggy jeans, white t and foam posits (my favorite sneaker for guys), blackberry curve in hand. I regret for a minute not giving him the greenlight but feel I have another chance as he is headed down into the train station also.

When I get into the station he is standing on line at the token booth and our eyes meet again, and this time I let my gaze linger (the greenlight). I remove one of the buds from my ear. "How are you doing he asks?" I answer; then he asks if I have a minute. I wait for him to buy his metrocard (he was like 4th in line), and I'm thinking to myself, damn, this better be good, I'm standing around waiting on a nigga?? But I'm also telling myself I have to be open minded seeing that I'm always complaining about not meeting men.

When we finally do make it through the turnstyle I don't have much time so I cut to it. Ask him his name and we exchange numbers. We introduce ourselves, and discover our work places are practically neighbors. He is giving me the nasty eye usually reserved for dirty old men in my world..like he might as well be licking his lips and rubbing his hands together..I swear I could see his fangs..not cool. But some people just don't know better. First thing he asks me about are my piercings and how many I have as he unapologetically grazes the entire surface of my body with his eyes...first flag goes up..I see where his mind is; he thinks I'm a freak. Then he asks where I live and if I live alone, and theres the 2nd flag (it normally wouldn't have because these are the types of questions u have to ask beforehand) then he proceeds to tell me how sexy I am and that he really likes my piercing and that he's aggressive and he hopes I can handle him.

Now I'm officially regretting giving him my number and want to snatch his phone and run for the hills. I tell him I really have to go now and reach to shake his hand. This motherfather while holding my hand circles his finger on my palm (you know, the 5th grade shit!). Now I'm mad at myself..I know better than talking to a dude on the street, and now this retard has my number.

I ran into him again the day before yesterday too.
I caught his eye, and as I was walking by him, I was thinking damn homeboy is kind of cute but he looks familiar, I wonder if its that dude. He had a hat on so I couldn’t tell. Anyway I get to the corner and I’m waiting for the light to change when he walks up next to me. Stands, and looks in my face. Tells me I should smile and not look so serious and I ask him why. Even longer story short, he says I look familiar but he didn’t recognize me and he forgot my name. He basically tried to re-bag me (turn off) before I told him we had met already. Then he goes thru the whole spiel about my piercings again…blah blah blah., says he’ll call, I pray he doesn’t.

There are so many other little things that went on in this conversation (like the fact that he told me he never really messed with a thick girl but he heard that they got it and gave my body another once over) that just really depleted my confidence in men to the point where I was sad when I walked away from him only because I’ve been exploring the philosophy that you attract back what you put out in the world. Could it be?

a sassy thing to say

2008-09-11T13:45:00.002-04:00

"...they say you’re getting too big for your britches ’cause you went to America. Nope! I been this big in my britches, since I was a kid."
~estelle

2008-09-10T16:27:00.003-04:00

CHECK OUT YOUR GIRL SASS ON THE BG GUIDE

super fucking excited

2008-09-10T16:15:00.002-04:00

i just got ne-yo's new album Year of the Gentleman. This is like the most anticipated album for me, I love the way he writes and I can' t wait to listen. maybe i'll do a reveiew or something, but I'm kind of biased and he could barely any wrong in my eyes (except on the style front) so we'll see.

i love a.l.t. for this

2008-09-10T10:02:00.004-04:00

and if the bottom of that bag says diane von furstenberg, i love her too. i need a few of her wrap dresses in my wardrobe also!

p.s. i had a post for fashion rocks which i was supposed to post below, but i flaked out. it aired last night, and clips are all over the entertainment blogs, so i'll save my 2 cents 2 penny candies.

fashion rocks!

2008-09-08T11:36:00.001-04:00

lol...t.m.i

2008-09-02T14:03:00.003-04:00

i am laughing so hard right now because i feel like my body tries real hard to get me pregnant.. why i think this is funny, i don't know. i just noticed a few days ago, i was extremely needy...some people say horny. i don't. and i had to go ahead and make that call. well, send that text. but the need, the need was real! like i've never felt that way before. i don't even know how to describe it. so i got that taken care of, and then a day or so later when my body realized there was no fertilizing of eggs going on, she decided to release them. but as soon as this is over i may have to send another text cause uhhhh...ok ok im sorry , i know t.m.i.

he makes me want to cry just a little...

2008-09-02T13:24:00.003-04:00

i'm cool

2008-08-22T10:45:00.006-04:00

i've been searching for this song on t he internet for a few weeks now, driving myself crazy and i found it this morning on the rnbmusicblog. in the mornings i listen to steve harvey and his show was the first place i heard it. i LOVE anthony hamilton's voice..it does things to me. i loved seeing him on the bet awards along with maxwell (more on what he does to me later) and was definitely looking forward to new music from him. when this song was first played on the radio it featured a rap by some unknown (i think signed to anthony's label) and he ruined the song for me, i mean just ruined it. even steve harvey would cut the song off early when the rap came on. the song still features a rap, but its david banner now (one of my favorite rappers as a person) and is tolerable. i would still prefer the song with no rap at all though.
click the pic to hear the song.

Did you realize, that you are a champion?!?!

2008-08-20T09:12:00.010-04:00

Ok so the Olympic buzz is high these days. I've caught a few different Olympic events in passing, but truth be told, if it doesn't come on Noggin, shows just don't get much burn in my house. However, while chillin at my aunts house yesterday (this broad stays up til 5 am watching the Olympics), I laid eyes on this fella right here.
His name is David Oliver, and this picture does not justify just how handsome his face actually is, but it does give you an idea of the complete package. The man's body is unbelievable (i believe i heard he has a football background) and his face is beautiful! He is 26 (perfect for me) and a 110m hurdler for the US Olympic team. He is also a Howard University alum and hurdling is in his genes as his mom Brenda Chambers was a world class hurdler, and also competed in Bejing in 1980 (thats dope!).

I plan on leaving a comment on his blog so I won't go into what exactly I like, and how i like it lol but I just wanted to bring some attention to this matter. Thank you.

Sass
P.S. i'm about to add his picture to my vision board (i'm on my The Secret ish).

Below is a pic of David (far right) and friend and fellow Howard alum Lance Gross (middle). Birds of a feather...pic stolen from David's blog

2008-08-16T13:00:00.002-04:00

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Wray of light

2008-08-16T11:48:00.006-04:00

I spent some time with someone yesterday who always makes me feel like no matter what i do, i can't keep his attention. its more of a general thing than any particular instances, but that feeling made me want to listen to this song.

then i remembered how much i loved this chick in high school...and how i've been waiting on her return ever since.. thought i had one here...
if i was your girlfriend

but not so much. so im reduced to old and fan made youtube videos. supposedly she's in atlanta working on new music. i can only hope so. there is some stuff i hadn't heard on her myspace page
Stand Up -Produced by Dame Grease

back to the oldies
i'm lookin

"So you can go head wit' all that 'stabbin' me'
Cuz I will jab thee, and slam thee
And Bobby Bouchet yo' ass, G
lmao i love big boi!
All In My Grill

2008-08-13T15:51:00.001-04:00

i'm back on the BG Guide..just a little tidbit

i would be so wrong...

2008-08-12T15:05:00.005-04:00

to put my round ass in these pants but they are so cute and i love them so!

RIP Bernie Mac

2008-08-09T10:21:00.000-04:00

So sudden so sad.

super shallow this week

2008-08-07T21:46:00.003-04:00

what would really make me happy for the moment besides a mani and pedi, some crab legs, a babysitter, a smart and sexy man only checking for me, a winning mega millions ticket, and an all expense paid luxury vacation to the dominican repulic, cabo or vieques, and the mac store
would be:

life is just too damn hard right now...

2008-08-06T15:49:00.004-04:00

I honestly just want to go back to my old life.I want to eat out as I please.Buy magazines with reckless abandon.Have cd’s sent to me.Party Monday – Thursday.Chill on the weekends.Walk thru soho with no scheduled destination.Have few bills.Keep my nails done and my wig tight.Blow checks on shoes and in daffy’s and the gap and sephora (back then. I could sure think of some better places now).Giggle on the phone.Feel like I have all the time in the world....

is that too much for a girl to ask??

i shouldn't complain...i can still do all these things..it just doesnt feel like it this week. *sigh*

am i the only one that didn't know??

2008-07-31T15:59:00.004-04:00

Apparently the love of my life
is dating "I Kissed a Girl" Katy Perryhow did i miss that??

...and come august 4th @ 7:30 you can find sass in bk checking out my most favoritest at a free concert at wingate field...yall know i stan for miss badu..soo damn excited!

2008-07-29T15:03:00.001-04:00

sass is back on bgguide.net! check out my opinionated self : )

pure comedy

2008-07-25T16:07:00.001-04:00

wendy williams and michelle williams from destiny's child.

2008-07-24T14:50:00.002-04:00

sass is still raving about jazmine sullivan!! ..check me out!
BGguide.net

truly.madly.deeply

2008-07-23T11:22:00.006-04:00

i turned 25 on monday.
..ordered some mac brushes from nordstrom as a birthday present from mi madre
went to see wendy williams with the bestie...
....found out she is pregnant with a boy. my first godchild/nephew
was hoping it was a girl, but soo not disappointed its a boy.....
......that love is amazing. i can't wait for her to experience that.
the hunt for thee stroller is on.......
........usually you don't feel a change with each birthday. but i feel it with this one
its an internal change.........
...........its a conscious change. absolutely intentional *cue dreamgirls, im changing*
its time for me to be who i want to be

im ready for a new tattoo and because of where i am mentally at the moment and where i want to be and remain i will go back to something i've wanted for a long time. when i was little i was sort of fixated with stars because it is so hard to draw one freehand. so when i would doodle it was always me trying to perfect a star. when i was 16 or 17 i was researching the 6 pointed star and its definition and symbolization has stood out to me ever since. i couldn't find the one i read then, but i understood it to essentially mean bringing down the things we hold in our higher level of consciousness and bringing up the things we hold in our lower level of consciousness thus causing the two to meet in the middle, creating balance. and it applied and appealed to me then, but its even more so prevalent and relevant now.

..not sure if i explained that so well so i found some other explanations that correspond..

Finding the dynamic balance between the inner and the outer seems to be one of the great tasks of our lives. And when the balance is found, the star is also perfect.

The heart chakra is the middle chakra in a system of seven. It symbolizes the two polarities of body and spirit as interpenetrating in perfect balance. The upward pointing triangle symbolizes matter rising into spirit. The downward triangle (similar to the ancient female symbol for birth) represents spirit descending into manifestation. To fully open the heart chakra we need to bring into balance the various aspects of our existence, such as male and female, light and shadow, mind and body, practicality and spirituality.

The Three Higher Planes--Atma (Infinity), Buddhi (Light) and Manas (Higher Intelligence) constitute the Higher Self. The Higher Self is represented by the triangle pointing upwards. Interestingly enough, everyone and everything in the Universe has the same three principles in their seven-principled bodies and this constitutes the principle of Universal Brotherhood. The triangle pointing downwards is representative of the lower self, the three principles of sensient life--the "breath of life" (which is a reflection of the Highest Principle), the Astral Body and the physical Body. When we come into existence, these two triangles are separated, the higher above the lower. In between is a single point of consciousness which represets the soul. The soul is the vehicle of our desires. If we desire the things of the lower principles, the fire of out soul is directed downward and, if our lower desires are strong enough, goes out. However, if we direct the fire upwards into our Higher Self, we receive the higher energies necessary to RAISE OUR LOWER SELF into harmony with our Higher Self. Thus the lower and Higher self become locked together in place in perfect Union by the principle of the soul. Thus we attain full consciousness awareness on ALL PLANES of the universe and he have, in effect, spiritualized our lower self, to the point where it has raised its energies into Union with the Higher.

that is all.

borderline irate

2008-07-16T13:32:00.004-04:00

jazmine sullivan is singing live on the 20th floor. i'm sitting here 3 floors beneath mad as hell

..ok scratch all that. i was about to go into a rant about how i wasn't gonna be able to go upstairs and see her, but i finally made it upstairs and caught the last 2 songs and i'm beyond pleased! Her voice is amazing. I have more to say but I don't feel like going thru all of it again, but i'll post my convo with my friend sean if you wanna know what i think.. all we talk is music..most of the time and his nephew (my babydaddy) lol

and if you've been living under a rock don't know who jazmine is, i put up a small bio i found online
Contemporary R&B rising star Jazmine Sullivan spent several years learning the ropes of the recording industry before signing to J Records and making her solo recording debut in 2008 with "Need U Bad." The Philadelphia-based singer/songwriter began her career at a young age, making her national television debut on Showtime at the Apollo at age 11 and signing to Jive Records at age 15. Her stint at Jive Records only lasted a couple years, however, and she was dropped by the label before any recordings were released. In the wake of this disappointment, she began working behind the scenes, for instance working with Missy Elliott on productions for Fantasia's debut album, Free Yourself (2004), and writing a couple songs for Christina Milian's third album, So Amazin' (2006), including the hit single "Say I." Sullivan was then offered a solo recording contract with J Records, which released her debut single, "Need U Bad," featuring and co-produced by Missy Elliott, in 2008. Her full-length album debut, featuring productions by Salaam Remi and Stargate, among others, followed later in the year. ~ Jason Birchmeier, All Music Guide

And on to Sass' unofficial review

Me (12:08:47 PM): and im mad i cant even go cause i have to wait for my boss' lunch

Me (12:08:51 PM): i hate being a fucking assistant!

Him (12:10:22 PM): i hear u

Him (12:10:32 PM): finish ur books and then u'll need one

Him (12:10:53 PM): i need a date on her album

Me (12:11:25 PM): i know, the better strike while the iron is hot

Him (12:13:07 PM): u playing

Me (12:17:34 PM): ok now im going

Me (12:17:34 PM): brb

Him (12:17:46 PM): enjoy

Me (12:45:12 PM): she's great

Him (12:45:28 PM): how many songs did she do

Him (12:45:33 PM): is she still fat

Me (12:45:44 PM): no she has slimmed down alot

Him (12:45:47 PM): wow

Him (12:46:03 PM): how many songs she sang

Me (12:46:04 PM): i dont know how many she did in total

Me (12:46:05 PM): i caught 2

Him (12:46:07 PM): o ok

Him (12:46:09 PM): wow

Me (12:46:15 PM): need u bad and in love with another man

Me (12:46:23 PM): fucking amazing.

Him (12:46:26 PM): howwas the in love song

Him (12:46:28 PM): oh

Me (12:46:35 PM): she's great live

Me (12:46:38 PM): her voice is super clear

Him (12:46:42 PM): so soulful

Me (12:46:43 PM): and she has stage presence

Me (12:46:50 PM): so soulful and raspy

Me (12:46:54 PM): she controls it beautifully

Him (12:47:14 PM): shit she would want to have presence shes been doing this shit since forever

Him (12:47:27 PM): she was 15 when she originally got signed

Me (12:47:28 PM): it was small, like literally in a corner of a hallway outside of peoples offices

Him (12:47:33 PM): wow

Me (12:47:42 PM): but she was moving and dancing and engaging the audience

Him (12:47:43 PM): i need that album

Me (12:47:48 PM): for sure!

Me (12:47:56 PM): i dont even think it has an official date cause all she would say was sept

Me (12:48:01 PM): they were taping something for vh1soul

Him (12:48:07 PM): nice

Him (12:48:18 PM): she puts u in the mind of lauryn

Me (12:48:19 PM): that just made my day

Him (12:48:22 PM): i bet

Me (12:48:37 PM): she does, but theres something different

Me (12:48:40 PM): its gonna set her apart

Him (12:49:07 PM): yea she doesnt rap

Me (12:49:21 PM): lol no i think its the personality and the clarity

Me (12:49:22 PM): lol

Him (12:49:48 PM): but that soulful raspiness is what puts u in the mind of lauryn and that may benefit her

Him (12:50:01 PM): people mis lauryn and want to hear her or someone like her

Him (12:50:17 PM): i think she'sgonna blow

Him (12:50:23 PM): plus she'son J

Him (12:50:41 PM): all she needs is an alicia remix or duet

Me (12:50:42 PM): definitely!

Me (12:50:59 PM): i dont want her on anything with alicia

Me (12:51:04 PM): they need to lether do her own thing

Me (12:51:10 PM): alicia can play the keyboards or something

Him (12:52:02 PM): me either shes a much better singer

Him (12:52:10 PM): but the powers that be will do it

Him (12:52:18 PM): to associate her with someone

Him (12:52:36 PM): shes been around this long with no deal and n hit record

Him (12:52:48 PM): shes not going anywhere anytime soon

Him (12:52:59 PM): im glad shes getting her recognition

Him (12:53:02 PM): finally

Me (12:54:39 PM): i think the first song out produced by missy and got such a buzz should do enough

Me (12:54:45 PM): they need to let her stay in her own damn lane

Me (12:54:51 PM): i hate when they do dumb shit with great artists

Him (12:55:52 PM): i'm glad missy dont have a bunch of songs on her either

Him (12:56:06 PM): bcuz her sound doesnt always work for everybody

Him (12:56:23 PM): even though i think Monica wouldve killed i need u bad too

Me (12:59:42 PM): yea she would have def held her own

Me (12:59:50 PM): wouldnt have been as soulful and hearty though

Me (12:59:55 PM): but it would have sounded great

Him (12:59:59 PM): monica is soulful

Me (1:00:02 PM): and i could hear missy saying new monica over it

Him (1:00:12 PM): i just think jazz's voice is a little deeper

Him (1:00:42 PM): smokiness gives her a fuller soulful sound

Me (1:01:04 PM): precisely

1 time for the big girls!!!

2008-07-10T12:43:00.011-04:00

Tocarra Jones of America's Next Top Model fame has proven that not only is big (larger than sample size according the fashion industry) beautiful, but it can also be high fashion. Lots of girls, including myself needed to see a figure like Tocarra's in a magazine that holds as much weight as Vogue, even if it is Vogue Italia. Lets hope America will catch up soon. Comments and judgments have been made speaking to the sexual undertones or even overtones of the spreads in the All Black issue of Vogue Italia, but I don't think all of the spreads are sexual and as also stated, nudity is not as big of a deal in Europe as it is in America. I think the spread is absolutely gorgeous and tasteful. Yes, some of the images look like the could be found between the sheets of King magazine, but they're not, they'll be in Vogue Italia. So big up to Toccara! Has an ANTM model ever been featured in such a high profile fashion magazine? And among the ranks of Naomi Campbell??

I got the pics from clutch

i like...

2008-07-09T11:31:00.003-04:00

a strong man in every sense of the word. I want my man to truly be a man, to take care of his own, home, and take the garbage out lol. I want him to have a strong sense of love, respect, family and loyalty. Its also important he have a strong sense of self. And a man I can break down and say whatever I want to…not a good look. I need a man that demands respect as much as I do.

Honestly, there were a lot of players I didn’t list in my “roster” a few posts back, but what I learned from one, we’ll call him The Infant, is that, I don’t want to raise you. I have a 3 year old to raise, I don’t have time to do what your mama should have done already. When I say I want a G.A.M., I mean I need you to know who you are already, there’s a certain way I need you to carry yourself, and carry on conversations. I need your mentality to be that of a man who has lived and through an intelligent process of elimination has decided who he will be and how he will live his life. And definitely if getting the latest pair of Jordans is at the top of your "to do" list, you need not apply here. I want a man that is able to expose me and teach me things, not always vice versa. Or let’s learn together. Homeboy is not expected to know everything, but sweetie, the fundamentals need to be learned, absorbed, and executed.

I don’t want a man to love me and deal with my shit because he’s insecure or afraid no one else will come along, because he's just complacent and comfortable, or thinks that maybe I’m a good look for him or some other bullshit ass reason other than the one that truly matters and counts the most, . I need my man to be a rock, as I will be his, but he needs to be able to head a household if necessary. I need to be able to trust that I can follow his lead and he should be able to do the same.

As much as I want love and to be in a relationship, I want someone to love me for exactly who I am. I want to know that if I fuck up, that yeah, there’s a good chance he may leave and vice versa, and because we want to keep, maintain and nourish our love, we’ll do what it takes to stay together. I want someone whose love I will have to work for because he’ll damn sure have to work for mine. Anything worth having is worth fighting for; and I’m not talking about the foolish fighting we do to keep someone who is all wrong with us. I’m talking about the love that’s worth it, that hits a rough patch, and maybe communication is not the greatest, and maybe circumstances change, and money is scarce, and bills aren’t paid, and we’re frustrated, but we got each other, but you get on my fucking nerves, but we’ll get through this together and be all the better for it type of love. Not you whooped my ass AND your baby mother keeps calling here, I told that bitch to stop calling my house…type of love lol

end rant.

i can tell they're lookin at us

2008-06-26T19:05:00.003-04:00

i was 12 or 13 when this song came out, and even then i knew i wanted a dude to be all about me and love me the way d'angelo appeared to love the girl in the video. i think i had that same haircut around that time too. i love this video and song...they dont make 'em like this anymore.
i can't wait to hear his new stuff.

REEEEEEEMIX!!

The ignorant side

2008-06-26T10:42:00.002-04:00

not big on tyson himself, but a similar dude might could get it. love those tattoos! and the dorito is nice too!
*dorito is that lovely v that the happy trail travels along to take you to the promise land.

Now on to the ignorance...

look at the love of my life!

2008-06-24T13:55:00.001-04:00

pic stolen from parlour

what is a girl to do?

2008-06-20T15:15:00.004-04:00

i have a habit of crushing and crushing hard. i've broken that habit in the past few years by either actually baggin my crush and/or figuring out they weren't what they were cracked up to be in the first place.
in a post i made a while ago, i discussed my train love and how he told me i was beautiful one day. well this man and i have continued to flirt since that day and now its starting to irritate me because he infiltrates my brain space on the regular and our little 7 second interactions 3 days a week is not helping. im becoming borderline obsessed with this situation because i want to get to know him so either i can move forward or fall back depending on whether or not he is what i hope and think he is. he's already in trouble because my expectations are high. or maybe i'm the one in trouble. : /
damn near everyone i know suggested that i just slide him my number one day. but sliding an unsolicited number to any man is just not my style. my fear of rejection or "funny" reaction is insurmountable. AND i don't have business cards, so do you all suggest i tear a sheet of looseleaf paper from my trapper keeper and lick the edges so the paper is easier to tear? i thought so.
others have suggested that i stick around and make conversation with him, or ask him his name. sometimes this is hard because, i dont buy metrocards anymore (he's the clerk) and so he presses the button for me to go thru the "special entry" turnstyle, or people are lined up behind me. i always end up feeling rushed.
the thing about it is, this dude flirts hard, like really hard. he blows me kisses blatantly eyeballs me, stares in my eyes, and i cant even explain the way he looks at me (i always end up feeling exposed somehow), and like i said i ride the train for free any morning he is in the station, even when others are in the booth with him. he refuses to take my money. and i feel like i've given the greenlight, but he won't move any further. my immediate assumption is that he has some sort of significant other and will not pursue me himself, but if i pursued him, he would let it go down.
i happened to be in that area on a sunday (father's day, and he is a dad) and saw him really early in the morning. i saw him when i was coming back later that afternoon and he let me know that he was getting off at 3. i really wanted to come back around 3, but i was running like crazy that day. so when i saw him again a yesterday or the day before i told him i started to come back to see him at 3. he asked what happened and i told him i had to get back to work (i worked the Tony Awards, GREAT SHOW!) and he said he would definitely take a rain check, but that was it. so now ive been advised just to fall back and wait to see what happens, which is what i've done. i wouldn't call myself old-fashioned, but i do like for a man to pursue me, and sometimes i feel like since he hasn't he doesn't want to, which i've also been told is not necessarily the case. this is all too damn difficult for me. it shouldn't be this hard. do i leave this alone and maybe begin taking the 1 train instead? he is driving me fucking crazy with his handsome self!!!

Killing me

2008-06-19T12:08:00.005-04:00

MEME Rules:
1. put your itunes/ music player on shuffle
2. for each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

Thank you Timah for tagging me! And i have to say i officially love you because you have Jojo Never Say goodbye on your ipod...i LOVE that song

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?”, YOU SAY?
Gimme whatcha GoT (Chris Brown)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Sweet (Jay-z)...damn i couldnt have planned that better myself

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
guess what (keyshia cole)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
gangstas don't play (f.a.b.o.l.o.u.s.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
customer (raheem devaughn) lmao

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Desert song (alice smith)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
all night long (swv, waiting to exhale sdtk) lol

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
touch my body (mariah carey) ummmm ewwwwwww no!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
rehab (hot chip remix) (Amy Winehouse) lol

WHAT IS 2+2?
Take you home (Lloyd)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
The real thing (Jill Scott) perfect!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
2 nigs united for west compton (prince)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
yep i'm back (fabolous) i stumble, i fall, i always get back up though!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
say it again (natasha beddingfield)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
hand in my pocket (alanis morrisette) kinda true..i dont have it all figured out just yet and im kinda conflicted

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
the first time i ever saw your face (leona lewis) awwww..this one should have been Rehab

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
school spirit skit (kanye west)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
sleep on it (danity kane)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
number one (john legend)...love the lyrics to this song

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
count on me (whitney houston & cece winans, waiting to exhale sdtk)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
cheat on you (trey songz)

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
killing me (lloyd)

im tagging, toli, sharece, yummy, brit (clumps of mascara), silverlips and afrodite if you guys haven't done this yet.

fuckery at its best

2008-06-16T14:56:00.007-04:00

i heard or read somewhere that procrastination is like masturbation..it feels real good, til you realized you fucked yourself. well your girl is feeling real good right now! i've been putting off all kinds of things i need to get done. i was in an accident probably a month or more ago. still haven't taken the car to get an estimate for the damage, not to mention i need brakes. i was putting it off before, because honestly, by the time i get off work and get the kid from school, most auto body places are closed. i also didn't want to deal with any of the mechanics as a female. i'm not interested in some dude trying to take advantage of me because i don't know what the going rate for an alternator is. but then i realized, why should i care? the jerk that hit me is the one who has to pay. still haven't gone.

i was supposed to take some makeup courses because im considering doing bridal makeup on the weekends for a few extra bucks and embarking on some other ventures. still haven't done it.

was supposed to pitch some things for work...not done.

both the kid and i need headshots.......................you know where this is going.

and let's not even discuss how my treadmill has become a clothes drying rack. yes. i'm horrible.

but i'm back on track. i've got a pep in my step, a few thoughts in my head, and a man on my mind. ive organized my brain in my notebook, got some brainstorming going on and your girl Sass is back on track. 25 will be approaching in a little more than a month and this is how i'm fighting the onset of that quarter life crisis.

what's on your to do list?

can't make a long story short

2008-06-10T10:13:00.008-04:00

Berfore yesterday i hadn't posted in a while, buy i had to go back to this post i started a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, I was a chaperon on a trip for my son's pre-school (one of those moments when you realize, oh shit, I’m really a mother! But anyway). At the school, while we were waiting for the bus to come, some of the parents were gathered, one much louder than the other. For some reason (other than her being generally loud and obnoxious) I took note of this woman. Like a bookmark was created in my brain for her. At one point where she was speaking loudly, she was telling the story of how her "husband" had to go to the hospital and got mad about something and started to spaz out. The medic was explaining to her how his behavior wasn't normal so she was like how you gonna say that’s not normal, maybe that’s normal for him, that’s just how he is, you don't know him, you cant say that’s not normal. *crickets* [insert stupid face here]

I see her another time outside the school in a truck, and again I take note of this woman. I don't know why she is so prevalent in my usually oblivious brain.

Thee Karrie B did a post a few weeks ago about a friend in an abusive relationship. I’ve witnessed people in the situation, and as the concept has in the past, it made me wonder how people do it. I know for a fact, I could not stay in a relationship where I feared I would get punched in my mouth for speaking my mind…I mean shit, this is why I moved out of my mothers house lol. My mouth can be crazy. When I ready, aim, fire, I go for the jugular, which is why I try not to, but imagine, I mouth off a little and my man decides he can introduce his black hand side to my brown face, or worse. I mean even if for no other reason, who has time to spend in the emergency room like that?? I absolutely adore makeup, but imagine me killing my MAC select coverage concealer and foundation trying to hide a bruise on my face. A bruise on my face?!?!? Ok I’m going off on a tangent.
Well! ~~Yesterday morning~~ the next week, one morning I wake up super late..like SUPER late. My son and I rush out of the house, speed from one borough to the next and get to his school. As we approach the school, there is a man standing in the passenger side of a truck, screaming, cursing, and going off. There is also another man standing behind him trying to calm him down. I’m not sure what this conversation was about, I couldn't really make out the words, so I didn't know if this dude was just loud or really beefing. But I did recognize the truck. I grab my kid's hand tighter and scurry up the school steps. I’m hoping he was just waiting for her, and she and the kid were already inside the school. She wasn’t. When I come back down the school steps I hear her before I see her (as usual)… She can't believe he did this shit, somebody please call the police, she's spitting out blood. When I get to the landing she is asking another parent for their cell phone to call the police, her daughter's father fucked her up (her words, not mine). She has the little girl on her hip and she's crying to the point her words can no longer be understood. I offer to take the little girl inside for her. And I do. She needs to use my phone when I come back down the school steps again, and I end up being around when the police arrive. And to hear her tell the story of what happened left me bewildered. This man had literally pushed her teeth back, punched her repeatedly in the face, and choked her while telling her he was going to kill her in front of her (their) daughter after they got into an argument. What 3 year old needs to see and hear that shit? Hell, I’m 24, I didn't need to see or hear that shit. But who do I see hopping out that same truck this morning?? Like, for real lady?? For real homie?? Y’all show your faces around here together? Like this shit never happened? Like you have no pride. Like you didn’t have other people involved in your dysfunction that is your relationship. The nerve of you. I felt betrayed. Not because I did anything all that great for her, not because we have any type of friendship or relationship for that matter. Just cause. People (I) rallied behind you, made themselves(myself) late for work, to stand behind you just because you are another woman, and it could have easily been one of us (me) a man went off on. It’s not your fault if a nigga loses it to the point where he’s pummeling your face. It is though, if you stay.

While we were standing around after the incident, another parent said the sad thing is that she’s going to go back to him because they have other kids together and she’s not working, and she was right. So I grabbed Ahmir’s hand and challenged him to a race to the school steps, bypassing and ignoring their ignorant asses and this time when I came back down the steps I kept it moving to my car. What I feel I should’ve done that day he beat her.

I wonder, what would be my reaction to a friend that was in this type of situation. I had a roommate in college whose boyfriend was physically abusive. And you couldn’t tell her nothing about him. We weren’t friends at the time though, so I never tried. I just watched her shut down others and shook my head. Only once in front me of me, where he had just pushed her and she landed in my bed. But he later on went on to beat her ass on Willoughby Street in broad daylight, after taking off his shirt and chain like he was about to shoot the fair one with another dude. That shit is amazing to me. And yeah some could say I shouldn’t pass judgment because I’ve never been in the situation. But, I’ve allowed a dude to do some wack shit to me, but don’t ever put your hands on me. We will be Ike and Tina in the back of that limo. You might fuck me up, but you’ll leave with some lumps too. FOH!

Pink Panties

2008-06-09T09:33:00.005-04:00

this post is in honor of one of my favorite home made drinks and what I have on underneath my white skirt today…hey I couldn’t find any black ones!

back before young sass was old enough to drink but working with and spending good times with industry folks, pink panties, was the Friday office drink of choice in the summer. There are a few variations of the recipe if you search online but the necessities for me are the clear liquor of your choice (coconut rum is a yummy addition), sprite, either frozen pink lemonade concentrate or raspberry and lemon sorbet together, you can blend all of the ingredients with cool whip or whipped cream or just add a dollop on top when its done. More than likely you’ll be twisted cause you can drink this all day like juice before you realize you are quite inebriated and doing the totsi on top of your desk…not that I know from experience or anything lol.

i wish a n!66a would!

2008-05-02T15:06:00.001-04:00

I'd still be whoppin his little ass, he would wake up everyday for the next 3 months (and probably then some) to me whoppin his ass.

Get him into the system so they can get him some type of help. No, they want to get him into the system so that when his little bad a$$ does some other dumb ish when he's 15, they'll already have a file for him so they can throw the book at him or God forbid shoot him 50 times. And his grandmother should've beat his a$$ anyway, right there on camera. This is why people curse at children!

it is what it is...

2008-05-01T11:26:00.005-04:00

Saw this over at Thee Mightee Afrodite's spot..here's what I'm about...

None of this is in any particular order

TEN random things about me:

my emotions rule me (not always a good thing, but I’m a cancer) it is what it is
sometimes I have to force myself to think with my brain, my heart is the default mechanism
I am not good with money
im an emotional shopper ^
and eater^^
fat and well dressed ^^^ lmao – wait, that’s not funny
I don’t like to take the garbage out
I didn’t want to go to college, I wanted to go to cosmetology school
im verbally abusive
people annoy the hell out of me, I want to move off this damn planet!

NINE ways to win my heart:

Be honest and sincere
Have an amazing sense of humor
Be beautiful – in my eyes
Love and respect women, especially your mom
Be very smart and knowledgeable
Have an amazing pipe game
Believe in God
Be ambitious and resourceful
be open to learning (the man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all – e.badu)

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

get married
have another baby
work for myself and be successful
be in a movie
see multi-millions or more in my bank account
publish this children’s book
buy my dream house
see my son grow up to be a wonderful man

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

talk too much
talk too close
invade my personal space
ask me too many questions
repeat yourself
only want or talk about sex
lie

SIX things I believe in:

There is a higher power
you reap what you sow
time is money
there is a thin line between genius and insanity
many true things are said in jest
for the most part, I control my destiny

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

holding myself back
my son getting hurt or worse (GOD FORBID!)
hurting or hindering my son in any way (sometimes mothers do the most damage)
the state of music will always be this bad
losing someone tragically

FOUR of my favorite things:

hearing my son say his bedtime prayers (truly the cutest thing ever!)
makeup
music
shopping

THREE things I do everyday

brush 2 sets of teeth
watch SVU
laugh

TWO things I want to do right now:

quit my job
go on vacation

ONE person I want to see right now:

My future husband

SICK, I'm so SICK.

2008-04-25T14:53:00.001-04:00

i've got that feeling

2008-04-24T18:50:00.002-04:00

that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. the nervousness you feel the night before a big day. well tomorrow is certainly a big day. its crazy that this case is not "in the bag" so to speak. police have gotten away more than a few times with killing innocent men in a barage a bullets. this one on a queen's street i walked on to get to the train station to go to work. i pray for justice for sean bell and his family especially his grieving widow (who has been the face of this case) and his children. i pray for justice for all the black men who have lost their lives at the hands of those hired to protect those very lives, and i pray for justice for all black men who walk these streets from various walks of life and are subjected to corrupt and polluted minds who happen to have a badge and gun .

Spring has Sprung

2008-04-23T11:11:00.007-04:00

i was tempted to throw up foxy brown and kelis, candy, but i won't. fox is on my shit list right now.

took a long "lunch" yesterday and walked with the kids to get a manicure. The kids got manis and pedis, but i settled for just a mani cause i have a pedi spot that i will not stray from. you got to work sass' feet lmao...not like myra though...never that bad.

then we snuck back out for frozen yogurt..theres this spot called red mango..kinda like pinkberry, and they have things like cinnamon toast crunch, cap'n crunch, and fruity pebbles as toppings, and of course fresh fruit and some other ish..it was really good.

and then this morning *bats lashes* the man (along with idris elba) that lead me to the decision that i will no longer date any man under the age of 32 and does not have a little gray in his goatee, called me baby (in the most sexy way) and then told me i was beautiful. so because he is so gorgeous with his g.a.m (grown ass man) swag and acknowledged the effort i put into my look this morning, i gave him the upward glance (when you tilt your head down, look down, then gaze up), smiled, and said thanks, took my metro card, swiped it, and headed down the subway steps grinning like a fucking idiot. i've been told that i'm a flirt (tola), i don't think i am, but can see why its said. with him, i definitely am. that fool is fine! damn.

i also know to love his ass from a distance though. my judgment always seems to be questionable in this arena in my life. any man that i've kind of crushed on from afar or stated "i want him", i get him, and then him turns out to be the worst in some way or another. Nothing wrong with a little eyecandy though, so i'll be sure to be extra cute on the days i ride the train into the city, he deserves a little sweetness too for being so damn handsome.
...love a grown ass man. how much you wanna bet he's from brooklyn?
*singing* we like them boys up top from the bk!!*

...and because she's my babies' mother

2008-04-18T09:24:00.009-04:00

...and I was trying to explain it to Tola a few weeks ago, and Belle made me think of it today...

The Warriors Reminder

I am awake
My mind is free
I am Creative
I love myself
My will power is strong
I am Brave
I practice patience
I dont judge folks
I give not to receive
I dont expect
I accept
I listen more than I talk
I know I'll change
I know you'll change
I'll hold on one more day
I start over when necessary
I create my own situations
I am cosmic
I dont have the answers
I desire to learn
I am the plan
I am strong
I am weak
I want to grow
I know I will
I take on responsibility
I hide myself from no one
Im on my path
Warriors walk alone
I wont let my focus change
Taking out the demons in my range...

-e.badu

Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem just came to mind also.
Damn Lauryn, come back to us...a chocolate girl needs you *sigh*

The Players

2008-04-16T14:11:00.004-04:00

THE VETERAN - the one i feel the most comfortable with, the one that does unspeakable things to hearts. make you wonder how you're still standing. The one I know, the one that knows me, the one that just does not work no matter what, but feels like its supposed to at times. Most familiar with all things. But like a war vet, has been thru some things that he cannot seem to get passed even while no longer on the battlefield. Its too bad smh....makes beautiful babies though .

MR. UNTOUCHABLE - like stolen goods, he belongs to someone else, can't touch 'em. He's not mine. So of course, he says all the right things, all the right things. He's been around longer than all the others, but can't seem to get his ish together either. He's also known as the Candyman, damn it's sweet. BUT I can't be what he needs of me, because I won't play second voluntarily. And he won't be what I need of him, because he already has priorities at home.
In a perfect world, we would be together. It seems we compliment each other well, understand where the other is coming from, and are pretty like minded. We just may be friends forever though. That's cool too.

THE NON PROMISE MAKER - wasn't even going to touch on this one, but why not be thorough. This one makes no promises cause he won't come thru on sh!t!!!! Actually no, he gets no shine here. NEXT!

PEST - the one that on sight of a single IM or text sends me into a fit of rage. LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMN!!! I thought I liked you at one point (I don't know what the hell I was thinking). Thank goodness, I realized I didn't, but he's still on it. We were never "together", there may have been a kiss shared, but I'll never admit to that. I never even opened up, and when that doesn't happen naturally for me, theres always a reason. Sooner or later that person reveals themselves as not worthy. This time was no different. There's actually more than one like this. It just may be that time to switch screen names...i haven't done that in a while hmmm. No hard feelings...just please go away.

SIMPLY NOT THE ONE - so sweet, so polite, so damn respectful. Cool enough, rude enough (yes I like them rude), just simply not for me. You can't force pieces from 2 different puzzles together, either pieces fit, or they dont. We don't. I think he sees that, but pretends that he doesn't. I definitely do, and have already turned the light out in that room. Stop calling me. We can be cool when we see each other...an email here and there....a random text... but please, stop calling me.

SupercalliRANDOMlisticexpialodocious

2008-04-10T11:58:00.012-04:00

<-- my bx tee i just got for 5 bucks and my junky desk

Imagine my excitement when I heard the lyrics "I was on 233rd and White Plains" seeping through my radio speakers then at parties. That right there is the ultimate repping of your city! Damn, the exact intersection of your home train station, homie hang out corner lol, your hood?! The crazy thing is, we don't even know who sings that song lol..what you know about 233rd and White Plains?? We don't know you! lol but all the same, maybe they went to the Baskin & Robins or something.. . Don't you hate when people say Baskin and Robinsons..lmao what is wrong with black people??

I'm listening to Ray J's album as I type. I'm thinking All I Feel, the title track is the stand out song on the album..we'll see what the rest has to offer. He has a song on there called A Girl from the Bronx. I thought it was going to be about me until I heard the "Ay Papis" in the background...he's talking about a girl in the South Bronx, lol I'm from all the way up top..land where the Jamaicans roam lol. ((bullet bullet Bullet))) <-- for Tola. Anyway, why is Ray-J's album more enjoyable than Mariah's. SADNESS. I don't know though, I'm gonna give Mariah's album a second listen, but I definitely was not moved when I listened to it yesterday. She named it e=mc2 but it is no Emancipation of Mimi..that was a great cd..its actually still on rotation. Ray J be singing the hell out of an ad lib on a song that is about nothing though lol, he hits those "er's' at the end of his words kinda hard too, I guess thats to be expected, he's from the west cost. And all he talks about is sexin a girl..usually a stripper. Uh oh, now he's talkin about niggas and bitches makin money. He's a funny dude though, heard him on the radio this morning.

And why did my co-worker say Mariah was sexy yesterday and that she could get it. What?!?! Mariah?!?! And don't get me wrong, I know there are dudes out there with a thing for Mariah, I was just totally surprised by this dude (he also sent me away from his desk and told me to come back when I believe in myself lol. That's another post though). I don't find anything attractive about Mariah but her voice. THEN this fool said he would rather get with Mariah than Janet. I've never heard that before. Not from a black man. Then he asked if I was a dude who I would choose. In my heart I wanted to say Janet, but I opted for neither. My inner lesbian doesn't want either one lol. But as far as Mariah goes, I can't get down with a woman over 35 that just simply refuses to dress or even act her age...and that Diva sh!t.. that sh!t will get you got. oh no...look at me talking like a girl from the bronx.. time to go lol

that is all (a la Miranda, The Devil Wears Prada).
....for now lol

...and because she's my babies' mother

2008-04-09T14:10:00.001-04:00

*stolen from parlour...and posted on a few diff. sites

2 posts in one day!

Do yall know...

2008-04-09T12:18:00.002-04:00

what I would do
to this man right here???

DAMN I need a grown ass man in my life, STAT!

*pictures stolen from ybf

Can't Knock the Hustle

2008-04-07T09:52:00.005-04:00

After church a few Sundays ago in the almost empty sanctuary, a guy walking down the aisle with a large grin on his face walks right up to me and introduces himself and his wife. I'm a little confused as to why exactly they're speaking to me, but I smile offer him my hand to shake. He grabs and hugs me. As he begins to tell the story of how we are acquainted, I realize he is this guy my mother has been telling me about that is very fond of my son. Now, I don't feel so awkward. We begin to talk about the service and how good it was, and he lets me know it was the music that really did it for him. A little flag begins to wave inside, I couldn't figure out why, but it did. Then he says, "Cause you know, I'm a writer...I write music". Ohhhh, he's one of those. So I'm standing there being my charming self but I'm like why is he telling me this? So now we're standing outside the church talking (he and his wife are quite chatty), somewhere along the line he mentions a singer (if you can call him that) that I've had the displeasure of meeting. He goes "well you mom told me you didn't really care for him when you met him". Thats why my flag was waving, he knows. So I don't dive in the deep end, I keep the conversation going on a normal course. And he nudges me with his elbow and says to his wife "See {Sass} works for [insert job name here], she knows people (i know no one), she meets people (I meet no one, and why the hell did my mother tell you where I work??!?!?). I know all about you," he says to me. GRRRRRREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAT, I think to myself. Mind you, I don't work in the music industry, but that does not stop this man. Can't knock his hustle though.

I'm doing really well as far as shows go this year. I got to see Jay-Z and MJB a week ago (dying to go to the MSG show too) and found out I just got tix to see Kanyeezie (!!!) and I need to get on my tix to see Badu, cause if I see or saw no one else this year, I need to see her. There is nothing like Badu live, trust, NOTHING. But Jay-Z and Mary was amazing. Definitley Mary's show though. I love MJB, I'm 24, so she's raised me. Her's was the first cd I ever bought. That $11.99 at the Wiz damn near killed me, but Whats the 411? was sooo worth way more. I like Growing Pains. The 3 albums before that, not so much for me. But My Life (classic), Share My World (greatness), Mary (slept on), even The Tour (the live album) were all my joints. I left that show with an even deeper appreciation for Mary. I appreciate her growth personally and musically. People knock the "happy" Mary, but she did exactly what she was supposed to do, and that was better herself and evolve. And buying a 12.3 million dollar house with cash...Can't knock her hustle either!

I hope you miss your flight

2008-04-04T10:11:00.002-04:00

I am......[Malcom X]

2008-04-03T11:20:00.005-04:00

Missing: Muscle spasming good love

Rocking: A new short cut

Style: Sassy chic

Loving: Planning summer '09s get-away {yes, i know summer '08 had even arrived yet}

Mood: minorly* fabulous..trying to remain optimistic

Vibe: alwlays cool

Always: loving the idea of love

*yes I know "minorly" is not a word. i make shit up.

on my boob tube

2008-03-19T12:13:00.013-04:00

pic stolen from concreteloop.com, taken by j.d. pooley, the new york times

I'm so damn excited The Hills are coming back! I missed my chance to watch the episode that will come on monday, but hopefully I'll get a chance sometime this week, I can't wait til Monday. That is my show! I can't stand Spencer's Dash Incredible looking ass. And Heidi is an idiot, Brody adorable, LC annoying, Audrina clueless, but they make for some good damn entertainment. To me, Heidi is past the point of redemption and if I was Lauren I wouldn't be her friend again. Brody is such a damn cutie, and we all know the cute ones are jerks, its a damn shame. I just wish dudes would be more upfront about their ish..it would make things a whole lot easier. Anyway, lets move away from that topic. Either way, I can't wait to see how this ish on The Hills plays out.

Danity Kane's album was up on the leak on mtv.com last week, I listened. Didn't like. Not impressed at all. Pretty disappointing since the first album was pretty good and they hyped this one up on the show like it was the 2nd coming of Jesus. Day 26 (I HATE THAT NAME)'s album is up there this week. I have to give it a listen, Toli says its pretty damn good. I'm sooo not interested in them though. They can sing their asses off, don't get me wrong, but they are boring to me. I don't think any of them are cute, and I think behind the scene reality shows sometimes do more harm to these groups than good. All the boys are starting to get on my nerves, I'd rather have their personalties be more of a mystery to me. That would make me read articles about and interviews with them faster. And Puff should've rethought the haircut he gave Robert..that shit is ALL WRONG! He looks like a big ass doofball and got played like one too. At the end of the day, that man called him a bitch ass on national television. And he ate it, swallowed it whole...coppin pleas and sh!t. I'm not saying he had to pop off, but.....contrary to popular belief Puff is a mere mortal, and he (a man) called you (supposedly a man) a bitch ass on live television. period.

So lots of interesting little opportunities have presented themselves to me, so its evident I need to be writing more, here personally on my blog, and seeing about hitting up a creative and media writing class also. Its time to make all the little dreams come true, and I guess life and destiny moves forward at its own pace, totally disregarding how I drag my feet, so its time for me to catch up and maximize.

Definitely dragging myself to a MAC counter or store for my Heatherette goodies. Can't afford it right now, but what kind of collector would I be if I didn't pick up a few things?? More than anything I want the carrying case and a few lip glosses.

I'm also starting a sewing class in April. I don't know how, but its important for me to push myself out of my comfort zone right now. I'm investing in my future and my happiness.

Also got some events coming up so maybe I'll begin to recap those things here. Its all about documentation, right?

Come on baby! Mama needs a new pair of shoes..

2008-03-11T13:40:00.007-04:00

Sadly my shoe game is not what it used to be. Have a baby go up a size and suddenly your shoe wardrobe goes to shit, and so do you finances so there's very little help for new shoes (well not for you at least). I've been killing on pair of boots this fall/winter. I mean KILLING them. I love them! They are perfect for me. Wear them over jeans or even a dress: a little stacked heel, I'm not dressed up, but never dressed down. I've destroyed them. Everyday I put them on (and I do damn near wear them everyday (generally soo not like me)), and I feel badly, like someone is gonna look at me and be like, "Damn that bitch wear dem boots everyday." Well yes I do! And mind your business. I can't help it. So I've been spying some shoes, gonna treat myself to a few new pairs (the ones in the pic are some shoes I was dying for last summer and never got a chance go get, and now they're back!) and maybe even a new pair of these boots if I can find them. And some kicks are needed cause it's way past time to get on that treadmill. uuggghhh. So I'm gearing up for a shopping trip in a few weeks, finding the things I want and mapping them out. This has to be an organized trip, no more wreckless spending, cause I'm hella wreckless with mines when it comes to shopping. I'm working on it though, cause I need to be shopping for a house sooner than later.

And one of these days I have got to stay home and clean my damn house! I do that quick general clean on the weekends but that shit needs a thorough scrubbing. I swear if I could get a cleaning lady I would. Matter of fact, when I get some money, I’m getting a cleaning lady to come once a week, and I want a Nanny to stay home with baby girl (not born yet) (not conceived yet) during the day, and pick up baby boy (already here) from school.

But anyway, turns about baby girl’s daddy, Travis from the Gym Class (not really, but a girl can dream) has a drug problem and is going for treatment, who knew? I think he is the cutest thing. I think his external reflects my internal. I’m starting to see that that is what I look for in the opposite, and the crazy shit about is, that still embodies soo many different types of people. Anyway, he would probably get on my nerves though, seems like he plays too damn much, and we all know one of my personalities is borderline uptight lol.

But I’d much rather be uptight then loose. One coworker today is talking to my cube mate about a guy she is really into and thinks is cute, but he is bisexual *tires screeching* what??!??! And why is he still an up for consideration?? I’m open minded, but damn, the thought of my man having been with or being with another man just……its just unacceptable. I don’t have a problem with him being bi-sexual. That’s his business, but we definitely don’t need to date. I’m good. Not for me. This is also the chick though who had the office in an uproar cause she was walking around with mono and telling people about it. I’ll say no more.

Then cube mate who is the love of my life, informs me that when she is drunk she just gets up and leaves wherever she is, a party, club, bar, whatever. So of course I then inform her, that she is never to do that shit with me because I will track her drunken ass down and beat the hell out of her.

WTF is wrong with people?

What??!?!..That's what he told me..... <- doesn't get more random than that!

2008-03-07T12:57:00.011-05:00

The same night, he called and apologized. Clearly he doesn't know my apology policy. I don't accept them. It's not even that I don't accept them, but it doesn't make me feel or make the situation any better, so...
It's whatever though. Truth be told, I'm not interested in fighting or arguing. There's way too much other shit going on, for me (anyone) to be waisting their breath trying to change someone's mind on some bullshit. Life's too short. Lets agree to disagree, just watch how you talk to me.
So much is changing so fast, yet many things still stand still. SBMILF ISO motivation! I'm just having a hard time believing I don't really know what I want out of life. Like, I know the outcome, but how am I getting myself there? Its really time for me to just accept the fact that I don't have to want to do and be one thing, I just have to do and be. The purpose of this blog was to document the exploration of things that I'm interested in but uhhhhh.....yea that's not happening.
I'm tired of dudes. I'm leaving. I'm walking out. I'm walking out of the "I like dudes" room. I'm not going in any other rooms, but if you're looking for me, I'll be standing in the hallway. lol
I was telling Tola yesterday, I don't have a hero or a mentor. I don't know why that is. I didn't realize that until I first set up my myspace account and they have a section for you to list your hero(es). I put Ahmir because "he saves me everyday" (although he scares me sometimes too lol),
but I can't model myself after him or seek advice/direction from him. So I just don't have one.
But I am grateful for the delivery I got at work today which was Cathie Black's book Basic Black - The Essential Guide for Getting Ahead at Work (and in Life). I wanted to get this book when she was on Oprah months ago, but my spending is out of control so I even had to stop myself from buying books. However, my book club is reading it this month, so I had to get it, and I'm so excited. I don't know if I'm looking to get anything in particular from this book, but if it creates a spark and/or enlightens me.
I like to hear the stories of and advice from successful women in the industries I'm interested in. How they sat in a cubicle like me, and how creativity, freedom, swag and perks supplemented a bleak salary... like mine lol. How they pulled themselves up by the bra/boot straps and were proactive in creating themselves and carving out a niche and a place in this world. I crave stories like those, they are the light at the end of a very long tunnel with endless detours.
So that's what I'll be doing this weekend. Reading my books and getting a much needed pedicure (it's a damn shame!). I need to be working on bettering myself and displaying that. On with it!

This totally made my day

2008-03-05T12:58:00.000-05:00

Back to Black

2008-03-03T19:36:00.004-05:00

Men cause most of the greasy ass things women come out of their face with. They f^ck up, and not just f#ck up, but f*ck up BIG! And when a woman can turn the other cheek, attempt to turn over a new leaf and try to start over, dude starts with some bullshit. Motherfucker are u crazy?!? I don't need this shit, especially from the likes of you!! The likes of me?? Yes nigga the likes of you. And don't ask me wtf that's supposed to mean because you really don't want me to go there. You made me say some offdensive shit like that and it gets worse. You couldn't just leave well enough alone. You had to push and push til I popped off on your ass and yes u damn right I brought up some old shit csause I didn't give it to your bitch ass the way I shiould have then. Fuck this, fuck you. Now there it is.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

My sassy ass is many things, but this person I am not. Why would one want to make me expose this side of myself. Why not just let me be me. Why try to take me there when you know I'll show up and show out everytime?? End rant.

Scared

2008-03-03T11:20:00.003-05:00

This picture says so much. More than what is actually being said in the picture. But my question is...
why?

*stole this pic from canon

There's a little truth in everything ; )

2008-02-27T18:54:00.001-05:00

...an old story... its LONG

He stood about a foot taller than everyone else in the crowd. Not sure if that was his 6'3'' frame or my eyes directing me to exactly what I had been looking for. I'd eyeballed him all night, watched how he nodded his head a little to the right then a little to the center with a swagger I've only known Jay-Z to possess. It didn't hurt that his track jacket was my favorite color, and a Brooklyn boy with a Yankees fitted can do no wrong. Yeah, I could tell he was from Brooklyn. Sat there for another few minutes, contemplating how I could get to know him. Definitely not the type of chick to just approach a guy out of the blue, maybe I should be though. Something to think about later.

Finally watched my partner in crime who was working the room the way only she could, give him a familiar pat on the arm and smile. JACKPOT! She knows him. Watched their interaction for a few minutes longer to be sure when I made my approach, I wasn't stepping on any toes. Nope. Everything was friendly and cordial on both ends. It was time for me to slide over.

Cut to our next encounter. At Bed, a nice little rooftop spot, and most definitely the appropriate setting for the thoughts running rampant in my brain. Knew he'd be there when I RSVP'd (just a hunch), and spotted him as soon as we waked in. Ran thru the routine, said hello to a bunch of peoples, exchanged hugs and kisses, snapped a few pics. Ran up on him. He was looking through me. Exchanged information that night on the strength of "networking", but we both knew exactly what it was.

Verbal conversations were few and far between, but the virtual ones were long, most times stimulating (aside from his face, I loved the things he had and planned to accomplish at work) and pregnant with innuendos and ambiguous statements. Neither of us wanting to put ourselves "out there" first, but clearly enjoying each others intellect and wit.

I was digging him, but generally try to stay away from industry dudes (that 'nother notch on the belt stigma does not sit well with me), so I was mildly torn. But at another event we were both attending we agreed that we needed to get some time in. Some real time. Not via Blackberries or over loud music at some random event pretending to just be cordial or discussing a potential work partnership.

So we did dinner. A nice dinner. Made eyes and flirted across the table, laughed loudly, great conversation, great food, great company. So great, I was beginning to wonder if we were placing ourselves in the "just friends" category. That's how cool it was. How cool he was. But the kiss that ended the night ignited some shit I hadn't felt in months (maybe even a year) and singed any thoughts of "just friendship". Went to bed with thee biggest smile on my face, couldn't sleep though.

Via email a few weeks later asked what I was up to. Playing hooky from work, light shopping on 34th (was out of underwear, and laundry was nowhere near the near future).

My office is on 33rd, come through.

Had to consider this real hard. Didn't exactly have on what I would have chosen to wear if I knew I would be seeing him. But didn't want to pass on the opportunity either. Ran my fingers thru my bangs and thought fuck it as I headed towards his building.

Gave my name and ID to the security guard, got a pass and pressed 17 in the elevator. He was standing by the receptionist desk yucking it up with a chick whose top cut way too low for her to be at work.

Cut to his office. His phone was ringing and Blackberry vibrating when we walked in. He grabbed the berry and picked up the phone simultaneously. Jay Strong* he answered fingering the berry.

A second later he put the Blackberry down and motioned for me to close the door. Finished up his call and said "What up miss?"

"Clearly you are" I replied.

He just shook his head and put his forehead in his hand.

"Tired? I asked"

"Yea, it’s been a long day. …need a hug."

Gladly obliged.

I walked towards him as he stood up. Stood on my tippy toes and reached my arms around his neck. He just stood there and looked at me. Was thinking about how sexy his eyes and lips were just as he verbalized the same things to me. That made me blush.

I looked down; he lifted my face upward with his pointer. Reached his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. I placed mine where they felt they belonged, around his neck. Still holding me, he pulled back and kissed my nose. By that time if I tried to move I definitely would have tripped and busted my face on his desk, I could have sworn I felt my panties trickle down, forming a puddle around my ankles.

With everything he said he looked right into my eyes. A chick with a weaker mind would have been gone. I was barely holding on. I stared back into his feeling like I was earning stripes for being bold, because God knows I had to force myself to do so. We chit chatted and bull-shitted, he took calls, I played with my Blackberry. I took calls, he played with his. Before long it was close to 7. People were beginning to make their exit, and the office was becoming more and more deserted.

I excused myself and went to the ladies room, only to return to him on the phone. I had never seen the sun set behind the Empire State Building, his floor to ceiling windows provided a beautiful frame. I leaned in and bent over to get the bird’s eye view of the hustle and bustle of rush hour as New Yorkers glistened with that thin sheen that lays on your face but never falls, part perspiration part dirt, only to be found on the NYC subways platforms (The reason I excused myself to the ladies’). I took that opportunity to take in the view rather than be a part of it.

He told the person on the phone his view had just gotten better. I laughed. Wished we were at home, him in his boxers so I could slide out of my dress and sit on it. Shook that thought out of my head. He asked what's wrong. "Not a thing," I said.

I smiled but kept my eyes on the view below. I suspect he did the same.

I heard the phone receiver enter the cradle.

Felt a tug from behind. He pulled me right into his lap. Said he was hungry. But, we would never make it to dinner that night. Started talking more. Talking turned into flirting. Flirting turned into challenges and promises. Challenges and promises turned into words made good. Words made good turned into my hand prints streaked on that perfect picture of glistening New Yorkers. Don't know when he entered, but quite sure of when I came. Enjoying my view of the sunset behind the Empire State Building that much more.

*Did you really think I would tell you his name??

PackRat-ism

2008-02-22T16:52:00.000-05:00

I suffer from a disorder disorder self diagnosed and named PackRat-ism. I want to keep everything, I always might need it later. But then, being a person who likes to spring clean year round, I have random moments of purging brought on by random incidents in my world. Sometimes these purges include items or people in my home, mind, or heart. This time around it will be items in my home. I can't take it anymore! I have way too much shit! This is no way for someone to live. Shit stacked and packed everywhere it seems. Dresser and desk draws filled to the brim with things I rarely wear, look at, or use. I won't even discuss my closet. By no means do I keep a nasty house but there is stuff in every corner of every room and I just need a light and airy space. It would make my brain feel better, especially at this moment. I need order.
Of course this need for order in the home only arises when disorder or the fear of disorder is on the rise elsewhere, and I feel it definitely is. Either way, its a good time for me to get all the elements of my life in order.
So on my wish list below is a big 2 bedroom apartment. Well I need to get rid of the "baggage" from this apartment so my new apartment is less "cluttered", I'm speaking literally and figuratively at this point.
My prayer at this point since I've been working on focusing and streamlining is that God has direction for me (which I'm sure He does) and will reveal that direction so I know which way I'm moving. That's all I can ask.

Just putting it in the universe...more to come

2008-02-21T15:09:00.001-05:00

2008-02-14T16:55:00.000-05:00

~Non-Valentine's Day related~
Its such a blessing how when you're not clear on what you want or should want, men have a way of eliminating themselves from the roster. God is good! I was caught up in some bullshit anyway. *sigh*

Hey Mama

2008-02-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

Life comes at you fast. 2 Novembers ago , my mother was on her way to Europe. She continually asked me to be sure to check on my grandmother who had been ill. I assured her I would. When I went to check on my grandmother that night, long story short, she sent me home she told me she was fine (I should've known better). The next day I got a call, a family friend was taking her to the emergency room. I had to put my big girl shoes on. Not the ones with the velcro, but the ones I tie all by myself and with my cousin (my mother was out of the country, her mother [my aunt] lives out of the state) make decisions about my grandmother's health. Not an easy task, trust! There was no time for tears. We had to take care of business. It was the most pressure and pain I've ever felt in my life, and I've given birth. They sedated my grandmother and gave her a blood tranfusion...the last thing she did was wink at me. She was in the hospital a few days, and then I received a call 5 in the morning that she was gone.

Last week, my mother had been sick for a few days with the flu. She was really weak, not eating, or leaving the house. She didn't want me around much because she didn't want to get the baby sick, but I still went to check on her and bring her stuff. Wednesday, I'm running around with Ahmir to get stuff for his birthday/party the next day, and took him to get a haircut. His barber is on the corner of my mother block so we headed down the street to check on her. Her car was in the driveway, but she wasn't home. She'd been weak, so I knew she hadn't gone out , so I was immediately scared, and rightfully so. When I called her cell phone, i heard lots of fumbling and "It's her daughter" "Here take it" "No I can't talk" then someone finally got on the phone and said "Hi..hello..its blah blah, your mother is in the hospital." My heart sunk! All I asked was which one and told her I was on my way.
My mom had collapsed in the house and was unable to move. The doctors believe she lost consciousness, and when she didn't show up wherever she was trying to go, her friend came looking for her and found the front door to her house open and subsequently my mother. She was brought to the hospital in an ambulance.My mom was really sick. Like really really sick. At first the doctors didn't know what was wrong with her. Some were thinking mini-stroke, possibly a heart attack. Turns out she had pneumonia caused from something she got in the Bahamas and her liver and kidneys weren't functioning. Laying in that hospital bed, she looked just like my grandmother which scared the hell out of me. My grandmother's last few days in the hospital were not good, and her kidneys also shut down. My mom was disoriented, and anyone who knows her, knows that woman is tip top and about her shit. So to hear her talk and know that her brain wasn't really working with her or effectively was beyond disturbing. And here I am having to be the big girl again because its just me and my mom in NY. The past week has been extremely difficult for me, I've felt an era's worth of emotions all at one time. I wanted to crawl in my shell and hide and I couldn't. I wanted my son to have a birthday weekend full of fun, we had to settle for a party at school in between hospital runs. I've wanted to cry, but had to wait, and I've wanted to scream and curse, but had to remain polite and articulate. I wanted to just be the kid, I was still the kid, but I was now caregiver too.

By Sunday, my mom was much better, and she came home last night, but Kanye's grammy performance beyond MOVED me, it hit super close to home. To my knowledge, I've never come close to losing my mother. And I got damn close about a week ago. It's not something I ever expect to be prepared for, but this was sudden! What I was grateful for was that if the Lord did decide to call my mother home, our relationship is in a good place. It hasn't always been. So I'm glad that in the past few years I've been able to really see my mother's love for me, and her see mine for her. Hey Mama.

Streamlining

2008-02-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

*From Wednesday*

I’m sitting at work watching Oprah and they’re discussing how The Laws of Attraction has affected people’s lives. How appropriate. I tend to talk more about what I’m not doing then what I am doing and what I want to do. And I have no problem remembering the exact details of how something went wrong, yet I can’t remember things I said I would do or should do to help me get ahead. I’ve realized the positive is not in the front of my mind, but the negative lives there. It’s definitely time to reverse that.

A re-occurring thought, theme, and process in my brain is streamlining. I’m extremely indecisive and interested in many things, which has made it difficult to settle on a career goal. What I’ve learned in the past few years is that I don’t have to settle on one, especially right now, but I would like to streamline in that area. My goal is to work on and try out a few different things to make it easier to figure out what I’m good at and what may not actually be for me. For the longest time, I wanted to be a writer. I then realized that writing was want I wanted to do because it was something my mother thought I was good at. I did excel in English and always loved to read but was never sure about deadlines; I’m one hell of a procrastinator.

My career goals are not the only things I would like to streamline, my waistline that definitely needs to be streamlined. Lol. My best friend and I discussed whether or not a person really wants something if they don’t do what it takes to get it. A cut and dry person would say “No, if they’re not willing to do what it takes, they don’t really want it”. I believe that this can be true, but that couldn’t possibly always be the case. Will power and motivation are not always easy to come by. I know first hand. But sometimes motivation can slap you upside your head via the words of a 2 almost 3 year old. The other morning when I was driving my son to school he began to squirm in his car seat and said “…..too fat!” I missed the first part of his sentence, but in my mind, I already thought I knew how the conversation would go:

Ahmir: “…too fat!”

Mommy: “Who’s too fat, Mir?”

Ahmir: “Me.”

Mommy: “You’re not fat at all, Ahmir.”

Instead, the conversation went like this:

Ahmir: “…too fat!”

Mommy: “Who’s too fat, Mir?”

Ahmir: “You.”

I sat dumfounded for a minute, and took 3 seconds to look back and forth between him and the road I should have been paying attention to, So completely shocked and caught off guard, I ask again, “Who’s too fat?”, and he responds again, matter of factly, “You.” For what seemed like minutes, my brain processed what the little boy I gave birth to said to me. I was speechless (a rare occurrence). So I ate it, so to speak. I know kids can be cruel/blunt/honest to a fault. I asked him if that was something he heard in school, because I’ve been very careful with that word in particular, and kind of waiting for the day he would come to realization. He said he hadn’t heard it in school, which confused me even more, so I just told him its not a nice thing to say to anyone and I don’t want to hear him say it again. His father told him to apologize and tell me he didn’t mean it, but the damage was done. I don’t want to be a fat mommy. I would hate for someone to say to him, “Your mommy is fat!” and it becomes something he is teased about. Teasing is not something that will be tolerated whether my child is on the giving or receiving end. I’m not having it! And while I’m not trying to become a size 2 (or even 4 for that matter. An 8 would be nice, 6 might be pushing it lol) for the sake of what some little people who haven’t even experienced the world may think of me, I would like to streamline for myself and still allow my son to see what a “real” woman looks like (love handles, cellulite, stretch marks, whatever the case may be). I am his first model of a woman; I take that role very seriously.

So while I’m streamlining and not allowing my brain to wander too much, I will make it my business to focus on this. Bulge is a battle I’ve been fighting my whole life, and trust! I don’t want to. But everyday I wake up is another day I have an opportunity to better myself.

Random Rambles

2008-01-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

This is actually a week or so old. So I've added edits so that its now accurate 2/3

~Song of the day: Total - Can't You See~
*You just don't know what you do to me*

::LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST:: in no particular order
:makeup:
You cannot even imagine the excitement brewing in my body about MAC's Fafi Collection. I'm insanely obsessed with the packaging and ready to spend a good portion if not all of my check on it. I want everything. Just to have it. lol And maybe sell what i absolutely can't use on Ebay. I know it's going to go flying off the shelves.

^As much as I love makeup, when it comes time to (potentially) embark on new endeavors in my life, I’m usually concerned with my ability. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good at it? I hate not being good at things. I don’t like the word ‘insecure’ but I’m not sure there’s another word to describe what I feel. I can apply makeup to my own face to my own satisfaction, but can I do others’? I would love to try and am trying real hard not to have fear and uncertainty paralyze me. For Christmas, my wonderful best friend got me a make-up lesson with a MAC Artist I like at the Mac store in Harlem. That may go down this weekend so I’m super excited, and it was just the thing I needed to put the battery in my back, and a tremendously thoughtful gift. Thanks Loli! It’s good to have people who believe in you when you can’t muster the belief yourself sometimes. I promised myself to at least try all of the things that run across this brain of mine. What do I have to lose?
*EDIT*
so i took my class and had a really good time. I got some really good insight from my teacher Matthew (hey Matthew!) and some much needed encouragement (feeling real needy these days) and Lola's face came out amazing! Definitely looking forward to another 1 on 1 and practicing on others.. any volunteers?

:LIFE/MOTHERHOOD:
^_^At 24, my life is filled with random moments where I’m like damn, I’m really a mother. One of those moments definitely occurred when while picking my son up from school I found one of those scholastic recycled papered book club flyers taped to his cubby. When I first saw it 20 % of me felt that tinge of excitement I used to feel when I received the scholastic paper as a child. I wanted to run home and tell my mother about all the books I circled and wanted. But this time it wasn’t about me. The books aren’t books I’m interested in. And I’m the mother whose child wants her to fork over hard earned cash for books. Oh shit, I’m somebody’s mother.. Its great! Scary, but great : ) And that beautiful kid of mine is attending an open call soon. So excited for him!
*EDIT*
Exactly 3 years ago on super bowl sunday, unknownst to me, i was experiencing contractions. Anyhoo, The open call was yesterday, and the agency was actually featured on Good Morning America this morning. Ahmir was the last child to be seen yesterday (of course I wasn't completely prepared and didn't get into the city as early as I would have liked), while we were waiting he was getting restless and antsy, it was also extremely hot. But when he was the last to go in its like he got pumped, he kept saying "Mommy, I'm ready to go in!" And ready he was! That boy went in and the charm came on. Of course they loved his face, how could you not! But he was very on point and answered the questions by himself, except for where he is from. So of course in the elevator ride down I taught him to say "New York City!" The kid has already lived in 3 boroughs.

:MUSIC:
If you know me, you know I'm a Badu fanatic. The woman can do no wrong! I dare you to say otherwise. Of course I love her new video, and will buy 3 albums...just cause! One for the house, one for the car, one for the office, and of course it will be added to the itunes library for the train rides and treadmill trips (uggghhhh, thats another post in itself, but motivation is brewing!).

:RELATIONS(HIPS) LMAO:
*Feeling so smitten yet torn, ready but unsure at the same time because my mind is split on 2 levels of emotional and relationship development. I’m smiling, heart fluttering, but I'm nervous and closed off. Long story short, I’m driving myself nuts! But that’s what I do. Its all good.
*EDIT*
I'm not feeling shit! Tired of bullshit..i don't even wanna talk about this!

What it is

2008-01-23T13:15:00.000-05:00

I'm letting a lot of things go and becoming more self-centered (if that is at all possible). I'm focused on me and the one I love. Allowing and embracing my randominity (yes, I just made that up) and allowing myself to discover exactly who I am by trying all the things I would like to try, which would be: my hand at make-up artistry, sewing, writing, photography, growing my hair out healthily (yes this has become a hobby, a borderline obsession) and whatever else I decide.

It’s not easy to describe the complex being that is me. There’s a lot of shit to me, as there is everyone else, and trying to find the words…well who has the time? One thing I can say about myself without any question is that I am extremely random, I interrupt my own thoughts and sentences (tons of parenthesis can be found in anything written by me). So many thoughts and one mouth, sometimes things get clogged. So it’s my goal to sort it all out so I’ll be able to see and construct my thoughts and build some type of order. I want to document these things as a way to look back and monitor my growth, and put together a lookbook so to speak : ) sound good? Good.